The Unchangeable, Horrible Facts of Life
by thenote
Summary: Summary inside. Itachi Pov. with SasuSaku. OOC. Crack.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters from the anime series.

**Warning:** Rated T, slight M

**Summary:** Did you ever wonder what happened when Itachi learned that his younger brother had run away to some transsexual, drug dealing, mutated snake, pedophile instead of staying back at home with a normal teenage girl who was suppose to be Itachi's sister-in-law.

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**The Unchangeable, _Horrible_ Facts Of Life  
Pt. 1  
Itachi-nee-san Discovers The Truth**

**  
**  
It was just another disturbing, and violent afternoon for Itachi. However, it was oddly quiet....  
_  
__'Hmm...'_ Itachi thought quietly, _'usually there are screams of despair, misery and such wonderful pain in the main hall...Are they holding a secret meeting without me!? But wait. It could be something worse... What if the new nail polish has arrived!_' his mind screamed at him. Yes, yes, everyone had been waiting for the new 'Black Blood' nail polish for quite a while now. Sadly, the frightened, elderly man who had _given_ them the nail polish only had a limited supply. So, everyone in Akatsuki had been on an edge, getting ready to pounce on that limited supply before any other members did.

_'So my own group-mates have deceived me! I should have known...Kisame has been sneaking around for a while giving these horrible excuses like, "Oh! I went for a tan!" or "I just went for a walk in the glorious sun!" Such disgrace!'_ Itachi wasn't the least bit stupid. Even someone as gullible _Tobi_ would know that if Kisame went out in the sun, he would have been scrumptious, crispy, pale blue, _shark_ _sticks_ by now.

Enraged that the people he slaughtered with, laughed evilly with, people that he actually _trusted_ had betrayed him, he ran head first into the meeting corridors, and through open the doors.

The sight was not what he expected, but it certainly wasn't _pleasant_.

There sprawled out on the _evil_ meeting table, were Konan and _Tobi _(so the rumors were true...Konan was cheating on Pein!_)_...who were hotly having a make out session.

Right in the middle of the _evil_ meeting room.

"Erm..." Itachi cleared his throat, his Uchiha eyes practically popping out of his dashing sockets.

Tobi and Konan pulled away from each other at once. Konan slid off the table her face still flushed, her mouth slightly bruised, and her beautiful, violet hair knotted. Tobi looked...well...normal....You couldn't actually see anything because of the ugly, neon orange, mask thing stuck to his face.

Itachi blinked.

Once.

Twice.

"Itachi! Er...We were just... um...SASUKE RAN AWAY FROM HOME TO A PEDOPHILE WHO OFFERED HIM DRUGS, AND SUCCESS, AND NOW YOU MIGHT NEVER HAVE NEPHEWS OR NIECES!!!!" Konan blurted out to cover up what she and her secret lover— no scratch that, _play thing_ were doing, and then hiccuped.

Oh no. No, no, no…This was supposed to be a _secret_…When Sasori had announced to everyone, but Itachi, at _another_ one of their secret meeting that they usually had _without_ him, that the rumors were true, Itachi's image had become a laughing stock—behind his back of course. They weren't called the evil Akatsuki for nothing…Though sometimes they did pity him. He was the only real virgin here too. Konan had to lie, erm explain to them that she just wasn't into fads like Itachi. Although, the truth was that he had turned her down numerous times because his hormones had been removed….

Well, enough of that and back to the story…

Itachi blinked. Again.

Once.

Twice.

"I…don't want to kno--Wow, back up! Did you just say that _MY_ little, adorable, amazing, _annoying_ little brother ran away from home?!?! Haha! That's the craziest shit I've ever heard Konan! Have you been drinking with Deidera again!?" Itachi rasped out hysterically, clearly in denial.

"....Itachi, it's the truth...The T-R-U-T-H…" Konan said slowly, trying to get Itachi to accept the fact that his little brother was just more interested in transsexual, pedophile, drug lords then teenage girls.

"Yeah, Itachi-sempai! Little Sasuke went to go live with more _evil_ snakey man! He'll never marry the pink-haired girl! Tobi is a good boy for telling the truth!"

At that exact moment Itachi's whole world came crashing down on him.

He didn't really care about _Sasuke_ at the moment, but the fact that he would never have little ebony haired nephews who acted as if they were the toughest things in the world, or small, adorable _pink _haired nieces that he could protect from all the hormonal men was just overwhelming.

Today, Itachi just died a little inside.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**

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"**Extra! Extra!"**

** Pt. 1- Parental Views**

"**Heaven Gazette! Today's Top Headline, **_**The Uchiha Runaway**_**!"**

Fugaku Uchiha was sitting on top of that fluffy cloud, just watching the enormous village of Konoha from above, realizing that being dead had its advantages_. 'Hmm…Konoha looks so miniscule...If I were to, I don't know…throw some fire on it, it might burn down…'_ Fugaku considered curiously_, 'Just like my ancestors wanted Hokage…just like they wanted….'_ He thought menacingly.

But his thoughts were quickly interrupted by a newspaper thrown on his face. Grunting he sat up, so he could show the fool who decided to interrupt Fugaku Uchiha his wrath. Instead of a fool, his eyes met the beet red face of his dearest wife, Mikoto Uchiha, who then quickly sat next to him and pointed at today's headlines.

Sighing with irritation, Fugaku scanned the front page his ebony eyes holding a hint of curiosity every now and then. He looked back over to his wife who was so red that she had steam coming out of her ears.

He raised a sexy, Uchiha eyebrow and blankly said, "So what?"

At that very moment, Mikoto's face went into a pretty shade of violet, and then an atrocious shade of blue which had Fugaku thinking that she was having a heart attack is she weren't already dead.

"What do you mean Fugaku?! This is _our_ little Sasuke here, who is barely fourteen and now he's running away to some mutated snake/ pedophile!" she screamed.

"So what, Itachi was only _thirteen_ when he slaughtered the whole clan. Besides, he needs to do what he needs to do for the clan, Mikoto."

"But what if violates our little boy?" she rasped out.  
"He needs to tough up and be a man."  
"But what if he takes his body?!"  
"So, it happens to so many every day."  
"But what if he takes his eyes!?"  
"It almost happened to me _eleven_ and a half times. If he's a _real_ man he'll be able to keep them like me."  
"But what if he turns him gay!?"

"Oh my kami-sama! What if--"  
"Stop saying _'What if'_ women!"  
"...but what _would_ happen if he is _influenced_ not to have children!? Then _WE_ won't have grandchildren!"  
".....that would be a problem...."

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Please review!

-P.S.


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